It's a little sad. It's a little good. It's a little of everything.
It’s funny the way things happen. When you’re a young adult you think you have life all figured out and no one can tell you otherwise. I knew it all when I was 20 and decided to get married. I loved Micah. We had only known each other 4 months, but it didn’t matter. Because we knew how we felt.
But life is hard. And the babies came. And jobs were lost. And tensions were raised. And instead of working as a team, we drifted apart. And we yelled and fought and kicked our way through a rough marriage. It was never easy. Which in hind sight, is pretty pathetic. The rest was just our duty. Our duty to stay together for the sake of the kids we brought into this world. Our duty to keep our families happy. Our duty to fulfill our decision we made when we were far too young.
But I think after 13 years of marriage and 3 kids, we realized that we weren’t doing anybody any favors. Our kids shouldn’t have to grow up with parents who are still married for the sake of staying married but hate each other. So a good long while ago we decided to go our separate ways. You’d never know of course. We never let on that anything was wrong. I played the role of a loving wife with a smile stretched across my face for far too long. I only posted the good stuff on social media, never the ugly, because that's what was expected of me. But we live in a small town and people are asking questions, so there it is. There you have it. I’m not perfect. I don’t have the perfect fairy tale life. It’s been a rough few months. I have cried myself to sleep too many times. But I’m not crying over this anymore. It is what it is. Not every marriage makes it, and that doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me human.
I have felt guilty for so long. Like if I could try just a little harder, maybe Micah would love me enough. We've been to counseling, I've read every book ever written on marriage, and we have stuck it out for more time than we should have. We were both too stubborn to actually do any fixing however. But at some point, you have to ask yourself, is what we're doing really the right thing? Don't our children deserve happy, fulfilled parents, even if that means they are no longer married?
I always said I would never do what my parents did to me, I would never just throw in the towel. I hated my mom for years for leaving my dad. But I get it now. I understand how you can grow apart from someone so much that you split up your family.
Ultimately at this point it’s all about the kids. And Micah and I have made a thousand mistakes but we raised some pretty awesome kids, and I can say a lot about Micah, but I could never tell you he was a bad father. He loves our kids and I am completely confident that he will always be a part of their life. And we are going to be alright. It won't be easy, we have a long road ahead of us. I don't know how to change a tire or change my own oil. I don't know what to do if the pipes freeze on our farmhouse. I can't teach my sons how to shave their face when it's time, I don't know how to tie a tie. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking she should marry the first guy who smiles at her and then years later find herself alone.
But it's going to be alright. I'm a little scared and I'm a little fearful I'm completely destroying my children's future. But somehow it's going to be alright.
So to all you mamas out there whether you are happily married or widowed or single parenting your children, we're all in this together. Life probably threw us all a few curves. But instead of pointing the finger and judging each other, let's just accept that not all families will look the same and not all mamas are going to parent the same. I love my children. I'd do anything for them. And somehow, I know, that even after our separation, I can still be a kick ass loving parent.