Sunday, June 28, 2015

The Journey Begins

Sorry for the hiatus again, it's been busy, busy around here. Our cow carrot is huge now, but she still thinks she's teeny tiny and that Rhubarb (a goat) is her mother. When it comes time to butcher her, well, let's just say, I don't want to be there. We just butchered a hog so our freezer is happy and full and we pretty much are eating our way through all the sausage. I have taken a break from crochet and painting for awhile since my kiddies are on summer break and I am trying to enjoy every darn minute with them. Come fall though, I will add more things to my shop again, and my fingers will happily be crocheting away... 

Now onto the good stuff, in my last post, which was a whopping 3 months ago, I mentioned I was doing a fitness challenge. Let's just say the ladies I did it with were awesome, the leader was awesome, the support was awesome. Me awesome? Not so much. Sure I got up and worked out here and there, but I really slacked off, and even when I did work out, it was just barely and any progress I made, I would eat my way through brownies and cookies to undo it, so in the end I lost only two pounds. But the last week of May my friend Alex asked me if I wanted to join a gym and I said hey sure, why not? Which is a big deal. I have never been one to put myself out there like that. I have always been pretty self conscience and so the idea of moving and shaking and having things jiggle around and sweat in places that I didn't think ladies sweat in, well it always terrified me. But over the last few years, I have become really comfortable with myself. I'm sure it comes with age and just not caring what people think anymore, but my husband has always been my biggest fan and has helped me though all my insecurities. So going to the gym, yah I can do that. It was when I went up the stairs to tuck my kids in and found myself completely out of breath, that I realized just how out of shape I was. Sure I'd love to squeeze into a bikini again, but more importantly, I want to be healthy. I want to be around to see my grandkids. I want to be able to run with my kids. I want to set a good example for them so that they don't grow up with all the baggage I did.

I'll never forget it. It was the end of my 8th grade year and we were in PE, and some kid, who will go unnamed, called me Sarah thunder thighs. At the time I laughed it off. But it stuck with me. I was 5'9" and 135 pounds. And in my mind, he basically called me fat. So the next year as a freshman in high school I refused to do PE altogether. We had to swim, and I wouldn't do it. I would say I forgot my bathing suit or I wasn't feeling well. My teacher told me I was going to fail, but I didn't care, I was not putting these thighs in a bathing suit in a co-ed PE class. So here's the thing. Kids are mean. Kids say things before thinking about them. The boy bullied me and bullied me and made me feel awful about myself my entire freshman year. And I let him. I wish I could back in time being the me that I am now and tell him just to piss off. It is my hope and prayer that I raise kind and loving kids, but that my children also are able to stand up for themselves. There is going to come a time when someone will say something crappy to my daughter and I hope she has enough love for herself to not let it get to her, to not allow someone else to dictate how she should feel about herself. And maybe punch him in the face. I'd be okay with that. She's got two awesome brothers who I'm pretty sure will defend her to the end as well, but I want to raise a strong woman who loves herself no matter what size she is.

And that really is the thing. No two women  are built the same. Sure I know that now, but I didn't know that has a teenager and I compared myself to the little girls bouncing around. I wasn't one of them. And I'll never be teeny tiny, and that's okay. I had to figure out how to be okay with me no matter what the scale said. So yes sure I am going to the gym in the morning while my family is still asleep, and yes sure I am more careful about what I eat, but it is purely because I want to be healthier. No matter what the scale says.

So let's try and be kind. Let's watch what we say to others. Let's not be so judgmental all the time.Let's not judge the big girl on the treadmill in the gym because you have no idea what she's going through, you have no idea how far she's come. Let's lift up and encourage other women and not try to bring them down. Let's not let stupid, insignificant people ruin our day. Let's be better than that.

There is so much negativity on social media these days. Let's just stop all this nonsense and accept people the way they are, and let's choose love. Always choose love.

So this is me. A month into my fitness journey. I could point out all the flaws in this picture, but I won't do that. My kids might hear me. So I'm going to enjoy the ride and make the most of it and not worry about how many squats the person next to me can do, how many miles they can run, or what the numbers read on the scale. I'm going to be happy with me right here and now. You should try doing the same. Happiness is a good place to be.

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